Uncooked Truth: Why I’m So Over The Bugatti Veyron

 

img_3811-1It takes one hell of a pointless car for Josh to not even care to talk about it, and the Bugatti Veyron is such an automobile. He claims it was cool in the beginning, but that now it’s just the Kanye West of cars.

I love Bugatti. The history of Ettore Bugatti and his cars is one that I love. More so, the racing history of Bugatti is something to behold.

How could you not enjoy a special, exotic car that has racing history and a design that could rival most notable artwork? Wikipedia even claims that Ettore Bugatti once received a complaint from an owner of a Type 35 that it was a difficult car to start on cold mornings. Ettore’s response? “Sir! If you can afford a Type 35, you can surely afford a heated garage!”

That’s such a pimp response that he should receive a Playa Hater Award (careful, not safe for work).

For the record, I’ve never had the opportunity to drive or ride in a Bugatti Veyron. Would I take the chance if I had it? To drive, yes. To ride in it, no. I honestly don’t care to be taken for a ride in anything that I’m not allowed to drive. I’m sure it would be astounding to go that fast in a straight line, too. Well, before I went to jail.

It’s no secret why most people love the Veyron. With 987-horsepower coming from a quad-turbocharged W16 motor is nothing to sneeze at in terms of engineering feats. More so, a 253+ mph top speed isn’t something to laugh at, without a doubt. Here are the rest of the insane specs of the motor: 8.0-liters, 64 valves, and 922 lb-ft of torque at 2200 rpm. Absolutely mind bending to drive, I’m sure.

However, does that actually make the Bugatti Veyron cool? To me, no. Someone who tells me how much horsepower their car has in hopes of beating whatever number I say is the equivalent to children boasting that their father is better than your father. I don’t care that you think your life is better than mine. I’m happy with however much power and torque I have. Why? Because I know I can use what’s under my hood. How many people actually can drive their Veyron properly? Maybe .001%, if that many.

But with running costs reported to be around $300,000 or so, I think I’m good. The Veyron’s already priced at nearly $2 million for a reason. And that’s with Volkswagen losing money on every Veyron Bugatti build and sell… Would you like to know what tires cost? Well, let’s let Autoblog tell you that one:

Let’s just take the tires, for example: in the U.S., the Michelin Pilot Sport 2s fashioned with the Veyron’s unique compound cost about $30,000; in the UK they’re £23,500 ($38,216 U.S.). Bugatti recommends you change them every 4,000 kilometers, or 2,500 miles, and at every ten thousand miles the company recommends changing the wheels and tires, which runs north of $50,000.

Now most of you are probably talking your smack about how stupid I am. I know, if you have the money to buy the car, you certainly have the money to pay the expenses. After all, the Bugatti Veyron is an engineering marvel, right?

Yeah, it is. But why would I want something that weighs more than 4,000 lbs, costs me millions to buy and own, doesn’t come with a manual gearbox, wouldn’t be seen on a race track, and has no racing development behind it? It’s basically an exercise in engineering at the cost of nothing outside of pure speed. That’s no fun. I’m sure it handles like a son of a bitch with the all-wheel drive, though.

Personally, for my money, I’d much rather have a McLaren P1 or a Porsche 918. Maybe even the Ferrari LaFerrari (still the worst name given to any existing thing). Or, better yet, I could buy a McLaren F1, the real deal supercar, and have money to spare by saving on the running costs and use that excess moolah to get a Carrera GT, too. Or maybe a Porsche 959 instead? The list is endless.

You see, for me, a supercar is one word. Modern day hyper and super cars are two words. They define an era that’s obsessed with being faster and better to 186 mph. The McLaren F1 was designed to be a comfortable exotic supercar that could hold luggage, shopping, people, and still be the ultimate. It wasn’t meant to go racing, but it did. And it won. Where’s your recent Le Mans trophy, Bugatti? When was your last Le Mans victory, Ferrari? Porsche are still competing in GT-classes, and soon to be in Prototype against the Audis and Toyotas. McLaren haven’t been back since they took 1st, 3rd, 4th and 5th at the 24 Hours of Le Mans in 1995. However, they do say they’re planning on returning in 2016. That makes me happy.

I miss the days when speed came from racing, not a wannabe rocket ship that NASA could use to thrust a space shuttle. The Bugatti Veyron 16.4 is one of the coolest engineering feats ever. Sadly, it’s just that, an engineering feat. It hasn’t proven anything outside of being kind of pointless except for straight line speed.

Call me dumb and all the “bro” words you can think of. But, kids, straight line speed is like having a big dick… but being impotent. Good for you… sorry you can’t use it. I’ll talk to you later, though, I have to go do some things you can’t.

I said in the header that the Bugatti Veyron is like the Kanye West of cars. What’s that mean? Well, in my musical eyes and ears, Kanye West has talent to produce songs and write entertaining and catchy lyrics. He’s not a musician. But he is a giant, self-absorbed douche bag. He cares about his image, not advancing the future of music for generations to come. He wants his due now. He hasn’t paid the price that people like Eric Clapton paid with drugs, alcohol, a son who died, a mother who didn’t love him, never meeting his real father, etc. But still, through all of that, he’s made a mark on history and has worked with amazing musicians to help get people off drugs and alcohol and make great music; he’s always talked up great artists. Oh, and then there’s the fact that his drug and alcohol addiction center in Antigua provides free healthcare to natives. Oh, so you mean someone can be in the media for more than one thing? Someone needs to tell Kanye.

That’s the Veyron. It’s in the media because of modern hip-hop. None of those guys would actually know the first thing about handling the car in real driving situations. But who cares? I’ve got millions of dollars to buy it and you don’t, so HA! The McLaren F1 advanced cars for the future. The McLaren P1, Porsche 918 and Ferrari LeFerrari have made it a point to further everything we can comprehend about taking corners faster, fighting harder down that final straight, but also being usable on a regular basis.

Or you could just say “screw it” and buy a Porsche 911 Carrera 2.7 RS and be the manliest man in the world. Why? Because it’s light, has just enough power, and will throw your ass into a ditch when you disrespect it. Not because it’s dangerous to drive, but more for the fact that it requires you to pay attention and put down your cell phone.

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I'm a car, music, and Howard Stern aficionado. I also love planes, trains, anything to do with science and engineering, as well as politics. I'm working on my screenplays, TV shows, and a book or two. Stay tuned to when I'm really famous and even more awesome.

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  • Jon

    I agree. The Bugatti is not a car m,any of us lust over