Uncooked Truth: The Art of Automotive Facebook Profile Photos

 

We all know at least one person who loves updating their Facebook profile with photos of themselves with a car, whether it’s their own or someone else’s. Why the hell do they do it? Josh has a belief that they’re all just assholes and love to show off however they can.

Let me just say, taking pictures with cars is stupid. Sure, I’ve got a few with me and some cars, and they’re all on Facebook. I’m not going to justify them, because I think they’re stupid. They were taken at a time when I was just starting out in this business, and I was excited that I got to test a couple of new M cars.

So now that you see I’m a guilty party here, let me tell you why I rehabbed myself.

No one wants to be the guy who wants to take a picture with everyone’s car(s). Why would you? Get your own to take pictures of yourself with. I have pictures of myself with some of my personal cars. Why? To remember them later. Or to prove I bought it when someone didn’t believe I actually pulled the trigger. I even have a few of me driving my own, personal cars. Why? Because it’s mine. I’m not aspiring to own it. I already did or do.

The picture you see above is of my friend Tom with my mother’s 2009 Aston Martin V8 Vantage Convertible. A wonderful car that Tom’s father asked to photograph for fun, since he’s a professional photographer. (You can find some of his work here.) While I wasn’t paying attention, Tom had to sneak in there for a photoshoot of his own with a car he doesn’t own. Could he afford to buy one? At this point, yes. But why take a picture like the one above with a car that isn’t yours, obviously pretending that it is, and then posting it on Facebook?

I have a few photos of myself with my own cars, and they’re for my own personal reasons. They’re not flashy, or trying to show off. Most are of me driving my current 997.1 911 Carrera S. Some are just to prove to a friend that I did indeed pull the trigger on said car purchase in text message form. All other photos of me with cars are non-existent. Why? Because why ruin the beauty of a car with some dumbass in the way?

Let’s give you the art behind putting a car photo on Facebook.

  • First thing’s first, it has to be yours, or just a random car that you like with no one in the photo with it. Get out of the way, moron. We don’t want to see you, unless you’re making a ridiculous face with a car you or a friend owns as a joke. Other than that, no. Steer clear.
  • Secondly, do not take a photo of yourself with a serious face and your hands on the steering wheel. Who puts their hands at 10-and-2, or 11-and-1 (see above photo) if you’re younger than 75?
  • If you take a photo of yourself with one hand at twelve o’clock, just jump out of the vehicle while moving. Bye.
  • If you take a photo of yourself and use a rap or other genre song lyric… just crash into a ditch and apologize for being a menace to real humans who have better things to do than read you quote “we started from the bottom now we here” while driving your 10-year-old Infiniti G35 sedan on Instagram or Facebook.
  • Stop throwing up gang or peace signs while in a photo with a car. Who actually does that after their 13th Birthday?
  • Stop using the word “sick” in a sentence related to said car when posting it online. No one cares, brah. Stop lifting.
  • No human that has a life on this earth cares about your love of a “real man” and his need to own a big truck and why you think it’s sexy (lifted or whatever). You’re a waste of fresh air for someone who needs it, so go huff something.

This brings me to my friend Tom once again. Tom doesn’t quite understand this point of view. If it’s a “sick” car in his mind, he wants as many pictures with it, whether it’s his or not. Why? Because people will see him with it. Honestly, the argument he gives usually goes something like this, and I’m not even joking: “Because, dude, it’s just a cool car. I don’t care what anyone else thinks; I just wanted a picture with it.” That’s when I usually ask, “Well why did you have to put it on Facebook for everyone to see?” His answer? “It’s not that I had to. I just did. Because I wanted to.”

So totally skirting the issue. As you can see above, there’s no logical answer or reasoning, is there?

Maybe if we all band together we can live to overcome this horrible illness. Let’s all stand together and fight the pointlessness.

 

I'm a car, music, and Howard Stern aficionado. I also love planes, trains, anything to do with science and engineering, as well as politics. I'm working on my screenplays, TV shows, and a book or two. Stay tuned to when I'm really famous and even more awesome.

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  • Poopsniff

    We built this city!!! We built this city on semen and eggs!!!